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Andriana Duskrose
08-26-2003, 02:38 PM
Instruction and Advice For the Young Bride
on the Conduct and Procedure of the Intimate and Personal Relationships of the Marriage State for the Greater Spiritual Sanctity of this Blessed Sacrament and the Glory of God

By Ruth Smythers
beloved wife of The Reverend L.D. Smythers, Pastor of the Arcadian Methodist Church of the Eastern Regional Conference

Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City

To the sensitive young woman who has had the benefits of proper upbringing, the wedding day is, ironically, both the happiest and the most terrifying day of her life. On the positive side, there is the wedding itself, in which the bride is the central attraction in a beautiful and inspiring ceremony, symbolizing her triumph in securing a male to provide for all her needs for the rest of her life. On the negative side, there is the wedding night, during which the bride must pay the piper, so to speak, by facing for the first time the terrible experience of sex.

At this point, dear reader, let me concede one shocking truth. Some young women actually anticipate the wedding night ordeal with curiosity and pleasure! Beware such an attitude! A selfish and sensual husband can easily take advantage of such a bride.

One cardinal rule of marriage should never be forgotten: GIVE LITTLE, GIVE SELDOM, AND ABOVE ALL, GIVE GRUDGINGLY. Otherwise what could have been a proper marriage could become an orgy of sexual lust.

On the other hand, the bride's terror need not be extreme. While sex is at best revolting and at worse rather painful, it has to be endured, and has been by women since the beginning of time, and is compensated for by the monogamous home and by the children produced through it.

It is useless, in most cases, for the bride to prevail upon the groom to forego the sexual initiation. While the ideal husband would be one who would approach his bride only at her request and only for the purpose of begetting offspring, such nobility and unselfishness cannot be expected from the average man.

Most men, if not denied, would demand sex almost every day. The wise bride will permit a maximum of two brief sexual experiences weekly during the first months of marriage. As time goes by she should make every effort to reduce this frequency.

Feigned illness, sleepiness, and headaches are among the wife's best friends in this matter. Arguments, nagging, scolding, and bickering also prove very effective, if used in the late evening about an hour before the husband would normally commence his seduction.

Clever wives are ever on the alert for new and better methods of denying and discouraging the amorous overtures of the husband. A good wife should expect to have reduced sexual contacts to once a week by the end of the first year of marriage and to once a month by the end of the fifth year of marriage.

By their tenth anniversary many wives have managed to complete their child bearing and have achieved the ultimate goal of terminating all sexual contacts with the husband. By this time she can depend upon his love for the children and social pressures to hold the husband in the home.

Just as she should be ever alert to keep the quantity of sex as low as possible, the wise bride will pay equal attention to limiting the kind and degree of sexual contacts. Most men are by nature rather perverted, and if given half a chance, would engage in quite a variety of the most revolting practices. These practices include among others performing the normal act in abnormal positions; mouthing the female body; and offering their own vile bodies to be mouthed in turn.

Nudity, talking about sex, reading stories about sex, viewing photographs and drawings depicting or suggesting sex are other obnoxious habits the male is likely to acquire if permitted.

A wise bride will make it her goal never to allow her husband to see her unclothed body, and never allow him to display his unclothed body to her. Sex, when it cannot be prevented, should be practiced only in total darkness. Many women have found it useful to have thick cotton nightgowns for themselves and pajamas for their husbands. These should be donned in separate rooms. They need not be removed during the sex act. Thus, a minimum of flesh is exposed.

Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access.

When he finds her, the wife should lie as still as possible. Bodily motion on her part could be interpreted as sexual excitement by the optimistic husband.

If he attempts to kiss her on the lips she should turn her head slightly so that the kiss falls harmlessly on her cheek instead. If he attempts to kiss her hand, she should make a fist. If he lifts her gown and attempts to kiss her anyplace else she should quickly pull the gown back in place, spring from the bed, and announce that nature calls her to the toilet. This will generally dampen his desire to kiss in the forbidden territory.

If the husband attempts to seduce her with lascivious talk, the wise wife will suddenly remember some trivial non-sexual question to ask him. Once he answers she should keep the conversation going, no matter how frivolous it may seem at the time.

Eventually, the husband will learn that if he insists on having sexual contact, he must get on with it without amorous embellishment. The wise wife will allow him to pull the gown up no farther than the waist, and only permit him to open the front of his pajamas to thus make connection.

She will be absolutely silent or babble about her housework while he is huffing and puffing away. Above all, she will lie perfectly still and never under any circumstances grunt or groan while the act is in progress.

As soon as the husband has completed the act the wise wife will start nagging him about various minor tasks she wishes him to perform on the morrow. Many men obtain a major portion of their sexual satisfaction from the peaceful exhaustion immediately after the act is over. Thus the wife must insure that there is no peace in this period for him to enjoy. Otherwise, he might be encouraged to soon try for more.

One heartening factor for which the wife can be grateful is the fact that the husband's home, school, church, and social environment have been working together all through his life to instill in him a deep sense of guilt in regards to his sexual feelings, so that he comes to the marriage couch apologetically and filled with shame, already half cowed and subdued. The wise wife seizes upon this advantage and relentlessly pursues her goal first to limit, later to annihilate completely her husband's desire for sexual expression.
====================

Soooooo, anyone want to get married? :D

Maegwin
08-26-2003, 02:48 PM
It's not 1894 anymore baby!

Lilcix
08-26-2003, 02:52 PM
Thats back when 40year old men would marry 18year old girls. What girl that age wants to hump an old dude? The wise wife wouldnt want a wrinkly peepee around her anyways.

Lola
08-26-2003, 02:54 PM
Hahaha that's good stuff.

Tilea
08-26-2003, 02:56 PM
"Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access."

Hahaha 1894 or 2003, that's pretty damn funny!!

Myztlee
08-26-2003, 03:44 PM
I agree,

"There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access."

is pretty funny.

Just more proof "the church" and such organized, oppressive religions are bad, bad things.

Lola
08-26-2003, 04:34 PM
If this isn't a fake article, I'll eat my hat. Nevermind that I'm not wearing one!

If this isn't a fake article, I'll put on a hat, and then eat it.

Andriana Duskrose
08-26-2003, 04:47 PM
If this isn't a fake article, I'll take up smoking, and then quit.

Vinen
08-26-2003, 05:17 PM
Originally posted by Tilea
"Once the bride has donned her gown and turned off all the lights, she should lie quietly upon the bed and await her groom. When he comes groping into the room she should make no sound to guide him in her direction, lest he take this as a sign of encouragement. She should let him grope in the dark. There is always the hope that he will stumble and incur some slight injury which she can use as an excuse to deny him sexual access."

Hahaha 1894 or 2003, that's pretty damn funny!!

Think Maegwin was referring the book no? 1984.

Myztlee
08-26-2003, 05:32 PM
Status: Undetermined.

But with extreme prejudice...


http://www.snopes.com/weddings/newlywed/advice.htm

Tilea
08-27-2003, 07:57 AM
Originally posted by Vinen
Think Maegwin was referring the book no? 1984.

"Published in the year of our Lord 1894, Spiritual Guidance Press, New York City"

Gryfalia
08-27-2003, 09:35 AM
Originally posted by Myztlee

Just more proof "the church" and such organized, oppressive religions are bad, bad things.

Riiiiiight, and like this came from any self-respecting church assuming, as I think we mostly don't, that it's even real.

This is only 'proof' that people are gullible and that Snopes is 'da shiznit'.

Gryfalia

Myztlee
08-27-2003, 02:12 PM
Thou shalt not kill. Unless someone worships something other than what you do, then go ahead and kill them. We do.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife. But feel free to molest all the altar boys you can handle.

The veracity of this article has little impact on the fact that more people have been killed, more societies destroyed, in the name of "God" and "Church" than I care to count.

This article is no doubt fake, but it still represents the line of thinking these religions have forced on people for centuries.

Andriana Duskrose
08-27-2003, 02:56 PM
Be careful of what you say Myztlee, Zeus might strike you down with his lightning.

Or Thor with his Hammer. His Hammer is nothing to laugh at, it kills giants dead, and never misses.

Tarissa
08-27-2003, 04:08 PM
Originally posted by Myztlee
Thou shalt not kill. Unless someone worships something other than what you do, then go ahead and kill them. We do.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbours wife. But feel free to molest all the altar boys you can handle.

The veracity of this article has little impact on the fact that more people have been killed, more societies destroyed, in the name of "God" and "Church" than I care to count.

This article is no doubt fake, but it still represents the line of thinking these religions have forced on people for centuries.

I remember reading that it isn't so much that thou shalt not kill, but though shalt not murder literally. the church has always been open to interpretation that has led to mass slaughter in the name of a major diety.

cozy life lessons will never be enough to blind me to the fact that evil parasitic little things attach themselves the 'good' parts of religions as a vehicle to more nefarious purposes

Tilea
08-27-2003, 06:22 PM
I'm pretty opposed to religion in general, as well. Like you all said it's the worst thing we have in this world. But if there wasn't religion, we'd just use different reasons to kill eachother.

Vinen
08-27-2003, 06:24 PM
I need new glasses =x. 2 year old prescriptions suck when things are blurry as hell even w/ glasses on =x.

Torrid
08-28-2003, 08:05 AM
Wtf. I thought they liked it as much as we do, and only pretended otherwise to control us?

Citidal
08-28-2003, 08:26 AM
That's friggin hilarious. There are some up-sides to this code of conduct, though:

1) "Post-Sex Nagging" = SWEET, no "cuddle time"!!! As the old saying goes, "Eternity could be summed up as the period of time between when you get off and when she finally leaves".

2) "Wife Is Completely Silent During Sex" = This could be good sometimes, especially on college campuses during finals week. There's nothing worse than to be going at it, only to be interrupted by the guy next door who is complaining that your chick is making noises that resemble feeding-time at Jurassic Park.

3) "Wife Is To Remain Fully Clothed During Sex" = This could come in handy, especially when you have one of those girls who weighs 95 lbs. but holds out on sex after you take her out for dinner because "Ohmahgawd, eatting that crouton on my salad made me feel soooo fat. I feel gross, you can't see me naked like this. Let's just watch Sex And The City and cuddle, mmkay sweetie?". This way, there's no need to even get naked sometimes and it's less effort on everyone's part... real good for lazy people.

4) "Wife Should Hide In The Dark And Be Silent" = This is such a great excuse for "accidentally" doing her best friend and then claiming you thought it was her. If the room is real, real, real dark and everybody's real, real, real silent, you could call all her friends over and stash them all in the room and just switch-hit all night, without any of them knowing the other girls were even there. This rule works great for my Olsen Twins-fantasy.

Don't get offended, I'm being sarcastic... mostly. :p