I am Canadian (yeah... don't go getting offended btw)

[Varran]

I AM CANADIAN

(clears Thoat)

(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)



Hey...

I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...

and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...

and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,

although I'm certain they're really, really nice.


I have a Prime Minister, not a President.

I speak English & French, NOT American.

and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.


I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.

I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.

DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,

AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.


A TOUQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,

AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!

CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!

THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!



MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!









I AM ITALIAN



Ciao...

I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.

I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.

And I don't drive a Camaro.

I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,

Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.


I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.

I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.

And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.


I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.

Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,

Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,

And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!



Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,

The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!

My name is Guiseppe !!!

AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!







I AM PAKISTANI

Allo,

I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.

I don't go to fleamarkets, or worship elephants, or eat with my hands.

And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,

Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.


I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,

I believe in discounts, not full price.

And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.


A turban IS an article of clothing.

Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods

Curry is a VERY tasty dish,

and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!


Pakistan IS a third world country,

The first nation of Cricket

And the BEST part of the middle east!!

My name is Raheem!

AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!






I AM CHINESE!



Wai...

I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.

I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.

And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddington Heights

Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.



I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.

I believe in giving cash, not gifts

And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.

I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,


Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk

Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.

And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa Choi



China is the LARGEST country in Asia

The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,

And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!

My name is FUNG!!!

AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




and finally........



I AM AMERICAN



Wassup...

I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.

And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.

I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,

although I'm pretty sure they were American.


I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,

Guns settle disputes, not discussions.

Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,

And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.


I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.

Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,

Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,

I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!


The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,

The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,

And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!

MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,

AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

[Vidmer]

Its very hard to read the American one using the dark color scheme. Also to capture the real American spirit you should have made the text larger then all the others. Oh and added mudflaps. Then put bullseyes on all the rest ;)

[Lola]

Bwahaha, those are great

[Torrid]

I knew we should have let the reds take over the rest of the world.

[Zarxen]

Hahaha

I like the Pakistan and the American ones the best. Funny stuff!

[Tarissa]

wow not funny!

[BurnemWizfyre]

Here let me rephrase the canadian one to be just as biased as the american one.

Im not fighter, or a lover and i dont care if other countries bomb us long as they claim it was accidental, i dont know jimmy, sally or suzy from canada but im sure they say Eh after every sentance.

I have Prime Minister, we call him a dumbass. I speak english and french, yet still no one gives a shit. and i pronounce it Ehh, not A

i can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack. I blieve in peace keeping, not getting upset when our neighbor accidentaly drops bombs on us. Skating is truly a sport (since its the only thing we can do in the olympics that wins us a medal) And that the beaver is truly something between a womans thigh.

Ice Hocky was not originally invented by us, Molsen is a beer. Canada is the largest waste of space in the world. The first nation to steal hockey and claim it as their own, And the 2nd worse part of North America. My name is Joe Eh?

[Zappo]

that reminds me,
didnt crim get lost while ice fishing?:\

[Torrid]

I think the real question is why anyone would be proud to wear a leaf on their backpack. Being an adult with a backpack while not camping or whatnot is bad enough.

[Subtle]

think they ment to say "Fanny-pack"

[Eomer]

Because Torrid, job #1 while travelling as a Canadian is to make it as clear as possible that you are NOT American. Since there is little else to distinguish us, you will find most 20-something Canadians have Maple Leafs on their backpacks for when they travel. You would not believe how much better people treat you.

Several of my friends have ran into "Canadians" while travelling in Asia or Europe, and soon discovered they were actually Americans under cover.

[Thuggo]

Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,

Well you got this right at least. If you aren't playing to win you shouldn't play at all.

So it's important to prominently display the maple leaf to show you are Canadian because there is not much to differentiate Americans and Canadians. So are Canadians as close-minded as Americans or is the rest of the world hateful of Americans based only on Nationality. But yet Americans and only Americans are the ones who aren't open-minded?

[Vestax]

lmao.. that was good! but you forgot " i am english" i have yellow teeth, our food sucks and our women`s life long ambition is too get pregnant at 16, live in a council house in North london!

[Zarwin]

our food sucks

I never understood this stereotype. I have always been quite fond of English cuisine.

[Tarissa]

shrug. if i travel i wouldn't have any problems saying i was american. perhaps people will change their minds about their opinion of 300 million people if they see i'm not really a shoot from the hip cowboy who loves mcdonalds.

i have never even worn a cowboy hat :(

[Gemmi]

The best part about food in England is the multitude of Indian take-away <..AEROS..>, the hot mustard <..AEROS..>, the proper mint sauce and <..AERO'S..> (YAY). English cuisine? Is a heart attack waiting to happen. Oh! I make excellent individual Yorkshire puddings and did I say I like Aeros? :)

[Gheltire]

This is obviously a propaganda attempt to prevent our use of double Big Mac coupons to bribe away Quebec.:)

[Eomer]

So it's important to prominently display the maple leaf to show you are Canadian because there is not much to differentiate Americans and Canadians. So are Canadians as close-minded as Americans or is the rest of the world hateful of Americans based only on Nationality. But yet Americans and only Americans are the ones who aren't open-minded?

Don't ask me man, all I know is that it's basically a tradition for Canadian travellers to have a Maple Leaf on their backpack. It's just how it is. I dunno why people in other countries treat us better, but it's true for the most part. People just think of Canada as some little bohunk country full of snow, beer, and hockey players. Nothing offensive about it, so they tend to be friendly with Canadians. We are known as shitty tippers though, apparently.

[Thuggo]

This is obviously a propaganda attempt to prevent our use of double Big Mac coupons to bribe away Quebec.:)

Fuck that. Let Canada support those fuckers, I don't want them as the 51st state.

[Forty]

"don't go getting offended btw"?

The whole point of this was to offend. And I am.

It's always easier to blame someone else, right?

[Lola]

I don't agree, I think they were supposed to amuse more than offend, even though the American version is clearly more hostile than the others. (Encouraging the stereotypes instead of recognizing and dismissing them)

It doesn't bother me, that's part of being Big Man on Campus in any arena, you're more likely to find yourself in the crosshairs of humor like this.

[Eomer]

Yeah, take the hostility as a compliment!

[Forty]

Yeah, take the hostility as a compliment!

Go Fuck yourself.

Ohh take it as a compliment!

You mean like that?

[Torrid]

Anyone else find this thread extremly ironic? And I thought Americans were supposed to be the arrogant ones.

I'd rather get shot than sew a leaf on my backpack instead of my flag.

[Varran]

2 things...

1. Are you sure you're american torr? Cause you have no business understanding irony if you are.

2. Getting shot shouldn't be a problem... you are in the states aren't you?

No wait. Gun control won't stop people from being shot. Americans deserve to bear arms, yada yada. Ignore the fact that the countries with gun control laws make up a larger population (when added together) and have fewer gun related deaths and crimes than the US by a factor of 100. Or was it 1000. Hard to tell, I live close to the border and spend half my time ducking errant gunfire from Buffalo, makes it hard to read the news some times.

On the plus side, I think this thread should get us well on the way to exploding the gnome again

[Aindayen]

I believe the problem is that everyone must stereo type or classify. If people would just realize that we're all the same, minus lines on a map, politics, and GNP. I took the original post as it was meant to be...fun.

[Kattoo Tacit]

2 things...

1. Are you sure you're american torr? Cause you have no business understanding irony if you are.



****
i·ro·ny ( P ) Pronunciation Key (r-n, r-)
n. pl. i·ro·nies

The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.

An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.

A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect. See Synonyms at wit1.

Incongruity between what might be expected and what actually occurs.

An occurrence, result, or circumstance notable for such incongruity.
****

Are you sure you're canadian varran? Cause you have no business understanding google if you are.



2. Getting shot shouldn't be a problem... you are in the states aren't you?

No wait. Gun control won't stop people from being shot. Americans deserve to bear arms, yada yada. Ignore the fact that the countries with gun control laws make up a larger population (when added together) and have fewer gun related deaths and crimes than the US by a factor of 100. Or was it 1000. Hard to tell, I live close to the border and spend half my time ducking errant gunfire from Buffalo, makes it hard to read the news some times.

On the plus side, I think this thread should get us well on the way to exploding the gnome again




Are British people intrinsically less likely to commit rape and murder? Perhaps. After all, much of the population of the U.S. is descended from criminals transported from England, "troublemakers" who refused to subscribe to the preferred religion in much of England and continental Europe, and criminals sold into slavery by their own tribes in West Africa.

Canada is the only nation in the western hemisphere whose homicide rate is as low as that of Europe. International homicide statistics are generally unreliable and always outdated, but Canda's rate is roughly 5% that of Mexico or Columbia; 25% that of the US; equal to that of France or New Zealand, and triple the rate of Norway and the Netherlands.


Total Homicide(per 100,000) -- Country
75.30 South Africa
64.60 Colombia
28.21 Estonia
19.04 Brazil
17.58 Mexico
16.20 Philippines
08.12 Taiwan1
06.09 N. Ireland
05.70 United States
04.51 Argentina
03.53 Hungary
03.24 Finland
02.98 Portugal
02.35 Mauritius
02.32 Israel
02.25 Italy
02.24 Scotland
02.16 Canada
02.01 Slovenia
01.86 Australia
01.71 Singapore
01.62 South Korea
01.47 New Zealand
01.41 Belgium
01.41 England/Wales
01.32 Switzerland
01.30 Sweden
01.21 Denmark
01.17 Austria
01.17 Germany
01.14 Greece
01.12 France
01.11 Netherlands
01.01 Kuwait
00.97 Norway
00.95 Spain
00.62 Japan
00.62 Ireland


I missed the factor of 1000 in my research, even from the most bias sources. I say we all move to Kuwait!

You and your friends can wear whatever you want on your backpack and I won't give a shit.

You knowingly posted something offensive and in poor taste while hiding behind the shield of calling it a joke, and requesting no one gets offended. You then appear to get offended yourself over the response you received. That Varran is the biggest irony in this thread. The fact that you are canadian by no means takes away or reduces my opinion of the millions of canadians without a blunt object wedged in their ass.

Kat

[Tarissa]

that factor of 100/1000 reference sounds like a michael moore statistic from bowling for columbine. don't get me wrong, i think for his part michael moore is a genius, but you can't deny the way he twists some facts for ... dramatic effect.

[Eomer]

Sheesh Forty, relax. For my part I was just agreeing with what Lola said about the Big Man On Campus thing. If people are trying to cut you down all the time, chances are you are doing something right.


I'd rather get shot than sew a leaf on my backpack instead of my flag.

Well there are at least 3 Americans that I know of that don't agree!

[Myztlee]

that factor of 100/1000 reference sounds like a michael moore statistic from bowling for columbine. don't get me wrong, i think for his part michael moore is a genius, but you can't deny the way he twists some facts for ... dramatic effect.

Michael Moore's stats were based on gun-related deaths, that's it. Not necessarily murder (which I believe means accidental shootings were included), but also not any type of homicide (non gun related). So his numbers may still be accurate.

[Forty]

Sheesh Forty, relax. For my part I was just agreeing with what Lola said about the Big Man On Campus thing. If people are trying to cut you down all the time, chances are you are doing something right.

Actually, I was joking. I was making fun of Varran's "Don't be offend I'm posting something offensive." statement then I had to make fun of you in the Forty patented "is he joking or serious" way. Sooo :p

Now the really question is what do you Canadians want? All this we're making fun of you because you're the BMOC stuff can only mean you guys are gonna ask for help in someway so fess up...what did you screw up that you need us to save you from? Or maybe you guys are looking for some back up on your little conflict with your French countrymen to the East? Cause ya know, where there's a Frenchman a German is soon to follow.

[Eomer]

What do we want? Hmm, I could give a serious answer (stop slapping tariffs on everything we export to you, and don't deport our citizens to Syria so they can get tortured for a year). But instead I will simply request that the US just please, please stop making so much bad pop music :/

[Twong]

Ya well im stuck in freaking Utah, which in and of itself is its own private mormon hell...

(No im not mormon!)

So FU all!!!

:D

[Thuggo]

I think Rhedd and Seraik are Mormon. Why so hate Mormons?

[Twong]

I dont hate mormons, but it can be difficult/uncomfortable at times to live in a community where you are not part of the majority. (I.E. SLC, Utah)

But I suppose that goes for anyone who is in the minority in any community.

/shrug

[Forty]

I am my own Majority. I am Texan!!

[Varran]

well if nothing else we can be sure I seriously offended Kattoo.

[Myztlee]

I just really want you to look at these commercials and laugh.

http://www.hossguild.org/forums/showthread.php?t=12201

PS: Note, he's a "Hollywood" director, not "American". Even Americans agree it's ok to make fun of Hollywood, right?

[Torrid]

The huge glaring obvious flaw in those statistics is you are assuming the environment of all countries is the same. The US is the melting pot of the world, of course we will have more conflicts/violence. Its amazing we don't have more. Also the more people you pack in a smaller space, the more likely violence is to erupt. Someone mentioned Canada has the 2nd largest land area, right?

Ya know I was watching a documentary one time, about the early 20th century. "There was little crime." it said. "lots of people concealed a gun, so people behaved because they were likely to get shot otherwise." Mob violence was mostly mob vs mob or mob vs. police.

[Karendra]

well that might count for canada that you have more people in less space but it for sure doesnt count for any european state who have much less shot people. and yea most of them are a melting pot too with people from all around the world.

[Tarissa]

What do we want? Hmm, I could give a serious answer (stop slapping tariffs on everything we export to you, and don't deport our citizens to Syria so they can get tortured for a year). But instead I will simply request that the US just please, please stop making so much bad pop music :/

i'm trying to stop it, but you know, something made garth brooks the, what, #3 highest selling artist of all time? you just can't stop the pop machine!

[Torrid]

who have much less shot people.

Anyone who just looks at gun violence statistics is just fooling themselves. Remove guns, and people will kill each other with knives. Hell, some criminals will still have guns regardless. But the 100 pound woman cowering in her house as she hears the 250 pound man breaking in sure won't.

Plus there are many, many cultural and environmental factors to consider. For example, England has cameras EVERYWHERE. And as I said before, America is a huge mixture of many cultures, which in itself will cause more friction.

You stop violence with education, reason, and compassion. Not by taking away rights. People will always have ways of killing each other.

[Eomer]

Actually, the argument that since Canada is bigger it has less violence is false. In reality, Canada is actually MORE urban than the US, with a larger proportion of it's population living in large cities. Yes, on average the population density is low, but that's because the majority of the country is basically empty.

[Torrid]

The landmass point was just an example of one of many variables that can affect violence levels in demographics. I didn't say it was THE reason.

[Eomer]

Yeah I know, was just pointing out that it's not applicable!

[Lydia]

Not by taking away rights. People will always have ways of killing each other.

The easier you make it for people to kill each other, the more people will get killed. If the best way to kill people, known to us were using spoons, you would see far less killings. If nuclear weapons would be available in your local supermarket, you would see more killings.

[Myztlee]

People will always kill people, but guns makes it really easy - long distance killing. But if you had to get right in there, and stick the knife in, and risk getting stabbed yourself, you might stop and think about it, more than pulling a trigger and walking away.

Or, as Chris Rock put it, make bullets cost $5000 each, then you'd definitely stop to think about it. Damn, he must have done something wrong, he has $50,000 worth of bullets in his ass.

[Gheltire]

America hasn't started a single war having incurred casualties of over 8 million, much less two in the past century. If there's any reason for a large discrepancy in gun deaths, it is public perception that has been imposed by losing 2 generations to the gun. After two of those, it would be logical that Europeans would be trying to limit the next guy's access to a gun.

ww1
we lost 117,000 with 204k wounded
europe lost over 8 million killed, nearly 20 million wounded

ww2
europe
axis: 11 million military, 4.5 mil civillian
allies: 18 million military, 22 million civilian

united states 295k, no civilian

Knock the US all ya want for gun issues, but we're still not even in your league.

[Zarwin]

How can you compare domestic violence/killings to WW1/WW2, those wars had nothing to do with the gun policies and social atmospheres of those countries during normal conditions. I would be surprised if any American civilians were killed in the wars because the war was fought in Europe not America. Which country do you think did a decent amount of the killing the axis?

This whole thread baffles me, as an American, I truly felt that the first four of the jokes were much more racist/stereotypical/offensive then the one about America.

[Gheltire]

are you joking? The whole reason we have any form of nuclear social peace movements post ww2 is because of the use of the bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. In 1900, noone thought that a gun was bad in Europe, it was the old "imperialistic boys" at it again, they'd fight til it got cold and go home. They were the ones developing the Krupp guns, the Maxim machineguns, because they were just guns.

Then ten million people die in WW1, 50 in ww2, and gee, Europe enacts gun control laws because 1 in 10 people or so have been killed by a gun. Find me some good gun control laws in Europe pre ww1 or 2. I'll lay damn good money it is a direct result of social outcry over the horrors of war, perpetuated by the gun. The kind of reaction we did not have in America because our casualties were so light.

The best example I'll probably be able to find will be some gun control ideas after the Civil War since we inflicted so many upon ourselves.

Hell, the best gun control of all time was who? China. Why? Because of social outcry over the horrors of the gun. So what'd they do to respond (and to make sure noone could use them against the ruling body later?) Ban the gun entirely.

[Torrid]

Yes, you can buy assault rifles here, yet our murder rate is only double here, which is further heavily mitigated by other factors.

I would never vote to remove the gun out of the terrified woman's hands right before she is about to get raped and murdered. Sorry.

I personaly wouldn't care much if you banned cop killer bullets, body armor, double magazine clip MP5 submachine guns, etc. But every single firearm? No.

[Gheltire]

the point is, you're not going to see nearly the social outcry in the United States against the gun because it hasn't seared our national psyches. The World Wars changed the way Europeans viewed violence. Proliferation of treaties that weren't just entente stuff, world court, League and UN...We didn't even ratify the League.

It'd be an interesting topic, but like I said, I hold no doubt that the European gun control and social perception of violence comes from 60 million dead over less than 2 decades of combined time.

Ours is glorified one on one cowboys and indians. Theirs is the German infantryman from the Western Front, body blown away from his hands while they still cling the barb wire.

What I'm saying is Europe has learned its lesson. And whether the US is ignoring that lesson, or we don't need that lesson will remain to be seen. But Europe is in no place to judge the United States for its gun problems.

[Gheltire]

actually since that is an interesting topic, I've been lookin around for legislation in Europe either post WW1 or post WW2, but everything is swayed in a "gun control sucks!" or "gun control works!" argument. Nothing very objective. There were gun control laws enacted prior to WW2, but most of those articles bog down in "this is why gun control leads to tyranny!"

The US does have 2 "events" that have spurred a wave of gun control laws, aside from the columbine kinda stuff. The JFK assassination and the Reagan attempt yielded gun control laws. At the least the JFK assassination is one of those nation scars, but not on the scale that a Stalingrad or Verdun would be.

interesting anyways

[Radagast]

and the Reagan gun control laws (the Brady Bill) while still in effect did nothing to hamper successful attempts to pass concealed handgun laws across multiple states.

As for China, you'll never see any attempt at arming the populace there. It'll be the same way as it was in Russia with the government controlling all fire arms. Imagine Tienneman Square if the protestors had guns. It would have been a differrent situation...same result in the end I'd wager because small arms fire has no chance against tanks, but I think the impact would have been felt greater.

[Karendra]

The psycholigic barriers are also much easier to break if you use a gun compared to a knife to kill someone . and like somoene else said if you sell nuclear weapons in supermarket the death rates go up much much higher because it again got easier to kill someone.

[Aneeluv]

As those statistics show, if it wasn't for whiskey *or guiness* the irish would rule the world :D