Varran
12-22-2004, 12:14 PM
...in West Virginia, after $24 million worth of cocaine was discovered at the scene of a plane crash (http://www.cnn.com/2004/LAW/12/20/drug.plane.ap/index.html) last weekend. Local authorities were on the scene immediately, along with several hundred strippers.
The wreckage was discovered in a wooded area outside the Wheeling-Ohio County Airport, and although investigators are unclear what the cause of the crash was, some speculate it may have been due to the pilot being "extremely fucking high." A freakishly energetic West Virginia state trooper who was first on the scene stated, "We haven't found any bodies or survivors. But there's $20 million worth of cocaine out there." The officer then began twitching uncontrollably. "It looks like Jesus went home early and we're the reindeer...anyone wanna road trip to Tijuana?" The officer then excused himself to use the rest room.
Monday morning, Wheeling County Sheriff Edward Weith called a press conference. "We have thoroughly searched the surrounding area and found no trace of the pilot or any passengers," the sheriff told reporters, appearing shaky and sleep-deprived. "It is assumed the suspect or suspects survived the crash and fled the scene, abandoning almost $16 million worth of cocaine in their haste to escape." The sheriff talked rapidly for another twenty minutes, going off on several seemingly irrelevant tangents, before abruptly ending the press conference with the cryptic statement, "They're after me." He then excused himself to use the rest room.
Later that day, Federal Aviation Administration representative James Peters made the following statement after visiting the site, "We have found the remnants of a small plane and $10 million worth of cocaine has been found on board. The cause of the crash is undetermined." Seeming agitated and distracted, he then said, "I have not been doing massive amounts of cocaine," before excusing himself to use the rest room. Upon returning he invited everyone to his hotel room "to just hang out and vibe off each other." He then ran screaming and pantless to a nearby Arby's and tried to enter the premises through the drive-thru window, swearing to "kill every last one of you mother fuckers," before fellow agents subdued him and he was escorted from the scene.
<CENTER>http://pointlesswasteoftime.com/archive/cruestd049rf.jpg
West Virginia state authorities called in a team of specialists to assist with the investigation</CENTER>
In a strange turn of events, officials made another announcement late Tuesday evening after spending four consecutive days and nights investigating the crash site. "There isn't any cocaine. We made a mistake. Now get the fuck out of my house, Jerry!" a disheveled and wild-eyed spokesperson shrieked from a tree he had just climbed.
Frenzied efforts to locate the missing pilot have been unsuccessful even after panicky officials reportedly "paged him like fifty fucking times."
The wreckage was discovered in a wooded area outside the Wheeling-Ohio County Airport, and although investigators are unclear what the cause of the crash was, some speculate it may have been due to the pilot being "extremely fucking high." A freakishly energetic West Virginia state trooper who was first on the scene stated, "We haven't found any bodies or survivors. But there's $20 million worth of cocaine out there." The officer then began twitching uncontrollably. "It looks like Jesus went home early and we're the reindeer...anyone wanna road trip to Tijuana?" The officer then excused himself to use the rest room.
Monday morning, Wheeling County Sheriff Edward Weith called a press conference. "We have thoroughly searched the surrounding area and found no trace of the pilot or any passengers," the sheriff told reporters, appearing shaky and sleep-deprived. "It is assumed the suspect or suspects survived the crash and fled the scene, abandoning almost $16 million worth of cocaine in their haste to escape." The sheriff talked rapidly for another twenty minutes, going off on several seemingly irrelevant tangents, before abruptly ending the press conference with the cryptic statement, "They're after me." He then excused himself to use the rest room.
Later that day, Federal Aviation Administration representative James Peters made the following statement after visiting the site, "We have found the remnants of a small plane and $10 million worth of cocaine has been found on board. The cause of the crash is undetermined." Seeming agitated and distracted, he then said, "I have not been doing massive amounts of cocaine," before excusing himself to use the rest room. Upon returning he invited everyone to his hotel room "to just hang out and vibe off each other." He then ran screaming and pantless to a nearby Arby's and tried to enter the premises through the drive-thru window, swearing to "kill every last one of you mother fuckers," before fellow agents subdued him and he was escorted from the scene.
<CENTER>http://pointlesswasteoftime.com/archive/cruestd049rf.jpg
West Virginia state authorities called in a team of specialists to assist with the investigation</CENTER>
In a strange turn of events, officials made another announcement late Tuesday evening after spending four consecutive days and nights investigating the crash site. "There isn't any cocaine. We made a mistake. Now get the fuck out of my house, Jerry!" a disheveled and wild-eyed spokesperson shrieked from a tree he had just climbed.
Frenzied efforts to locate the missing pilot have been unsuccessful even after panicky officials reportedly "paged him like fifty fucking times."