The horror begins

[Peotr]

Because I promised to keep you guys updated -

Just finished the first half-gallon of GoLYTELY (http://www.nulytely.com/) (I hope the fucker who came up with that name is laughing his ass off in Hell.)

The nice lady who gave me my instructions said the solution would taste like seawater. She lied, unless she was talking about the seawater just outside the Fukushima #1 Nuclear Reactor. I suppose it vaguely tastes like seawater, sort of like how a gallon of water, a pound of lead, a dollar's worth of pennies and a dead crab would taste like seawater if you left them in the sun for a week. Unlike cheap beer the flavor does not improve as you drink more of it. Like cheap beer, it gives you a headache.

I would like to report on my farts (I like my farts), but at the moment I am rather afraid of them. They are ... tentative. They just aren't their robust selves. A good fart is God's affirmation of the righteousness of a manly colon, and .. God has forsaken me. I walk through the valley of the shadow of squirt.

As I was drinking my GoLYTELY I was reading the CNN report on the tragic human rights conditions in North Korea. They talk about people living in misery, people who are starved, people who are sickened by drinking untreated water, and as the cup touches my lips I keep thinking there is some irony in there, some juxtaposition between my civilization and their misery, but I'm having a cramp, and I can't find it.

[Aindayen]

Poor pooootr

When are you back in town?

[Peotr]

Poor pooootr

When are you back in town?

Back in town? You don't go out of town to do this shit.

I don't go to Walla Walla until Wednesday.

-- Peotr (The Normal Guy, Now With Less Consitpation)

P.S. Fuck Lime Jello

P.P.S. Seriously, fuck it.

[Andaas]

You didn't answer the most important question! Regular or Pineapple?

[Lonskils]

I'm at work and just laughed so hard I snorted during a discussion of yesterdays "Go Live" and the aftermath. Not quite the tone I was wanting to present as the began Conference Call.

[Torrid]

I did one of those last year. What a waste of time and money.

I go to the colon 'specialist' because I have symptoms that I assume is either SIBO or some sort of microbiome problem; and after shitting in a cup to test for the presence of a single parasite (yes, lets test for ONE THING while we're testing feces) the guy wants to order me up a colonoscopy. Of course it finds nothing, and after a round of ABSURDLY expensive anti-biotics did nothing, he is left to conclude that it is IBS because IBS is their catch-all for 'I don't know'.

Now if one of my symptoms is gas almost immediately after eating anything with sugar in it, how could it possibly NOT be a gut flora issue? Where the hell are the microbiome tests? Patient doctors are like 20 years behind the researchers.

Oh, and the polyethylene glycol made me want to vomit. Nice of them not to warn me about that shit. Glad I could pay 2 grand for that misery.

[Peotr]

The Horror Continues: Tuesday Edition

I haven't eaten since Sunday at 10PM. Amazing how many little things found around the house look like legitimate food. Things I wouldn't eat, like the opened 6-month-old bag of potato chips that my mom squirreled away in case she ever makes meatloaf. Starvation is a lot like beer goggles, I was giving fond looks to a bag of baby carrots, and I am not a baby carrot kinda guy, I consider beef stew to be the foundation of a healthy diet, and even by my standards I don't eat healthy.

As for Firanja's question about flavoring, the nice lady at the VA mentioned the flavoring - the GoLYTELY I am consuming is unflavored. You can special-order GoLYTELY unflavored, and some unimaginative fuckwhit in military procurement, paralyzed, I am sure, by a bureaucratic fear of choosing the wrong flavor, opted for unflavored GoSHYTELY and ordered a 4-year supply for the entire US military complex**. And we, the poor fucks in the trenches, have to drink all of it before they can order more. She told me this so that she could warn me not to flavor it - apparently only the brainiacs at BrainTree (thats the name of the company!!!) can properly flavor GoTHRUYU, and they aren't handing out the recipe. And we stupidfuck grunts aren't supposed to fuck around with our non-medicinal Kool Aid or Jello or Crystal Light and try to doctor this shit up.

Really, though, I'm not curious what the flavored stuff tastes like. I can't imagine how a gallon of water, a pound of lead, a dollars worth of pennies, a dead crab, and a pineapple could taste much better than what I am drinking right now.

She did tell me to chill it. She said that helps. I am certain she lies, but I'm not warming it up.

Speaking again about farts, I do miss them. I'm scared that these purges are going to ruin the relationship I have with my gas. I like a good fart - all guys do. A manly fart, a real pants-billowing snapper that sounds like someone ripping the sails of a pirate ship, or maybe the sound of Chuck Norris sawing down a tree in one stroke, is a giggly indulgence. But those farts have left me. They're gone. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, my farts are gone and I'm not trusting whatever has been left in their place.

You see, a good fart is like your friend Dave. He's kind of a doofus, a bit of a redneck, uncultured, unwashed, you'd never take him out in public or introduce him to your girlfriend, but if you're home alone he always makes you laugh. If a good fart is like your friend Dave, then what I have been left with is like, maybe, those twin girls standing in the hallway in The Shining. They're just not right. Sure, they seem harmless, or at least they don't seem like they'd be dangerous, but they make you uncomfortable and you're somehow afraid of them. That is how my farts have been all day. I still fart, mind you, but not boisterously. More like cautiously. More like I'm sneaking open my bedroom door and peaking to see if they're still staring at me from the hallway.

There is some strong reflex, some powerful muscle memory, with drinking GoLYTELY, because the moment the first sip touched my lips my butthole clenched.

-- Peotr (The Normal Guy, Now With Abnormal Farts)

** P.S. This reminds of the condoms we got from the medical offices when I was in stationed Germany. They were in a brown foil rapper, they said, "PROPHYLACTIC, POLYURETHANE, 1 EA" and they were olive drab green. We thought they were awesome. IF you work in military supply you know that there is a descending list of authorized colors when you order things from civilian manufacturers (unless a specific color is required), and the first color on that list is Olive Drab Green (and then Tan, and then Black, and then Forest Green, etc.) We marveled that someone in the Pentagon had the balls to complete a civilian procurement contract for condoms and order them all in olive drab.

** P.P.S. We later found out that olive drab condoms are quite common, since they were used throughout Vietnam to keep water out of the barrels of the new M16s.

** P.P.P.S. The shorthand name for 'Olive Drab Green' is OD Green. Unofficially, OD Green also stands for 'Over-Dirt Green', because any time there is an upcoming inspection everything gets painted. There are only two kinds of things in the Navy - things that are being cleaned, and things that are being painted. This is also true of the Army, except there are three types of things - things that are being cleaned, things that are being painted, and things that are being eaten.

[Terminater]

I may of laughed a bit to hard reading this...

[Zeyla]

Oh Peotr, how you can turn something so terrible into such a funny story. You truly have a gift my friend! I am sorry to hear about all the crap you have to go through, I hope you get through it and feel somewhat better at the end. A man needs to be able to fart with authority damn it!!!

I know many of us have said this before, but dude, you really should write short stories or something. Hell even long stories, anything! You have a wonderful, funny and insightful way of telling stories. I know Cracked.com takes submissions from people and your stories would do really well I think. Something to think about...!

[Scrubwell]

I enjoyed both episodes tremendously. You should write a blog, if not a series or book.