I have just finished 4 months in either the hospital or in an assisted living facility.
1. I have had someone feed me. It wasn't on my bucket list, but it happened (many times.) I'm sure having someone feed me was expensive and if I had a choice I would have used the money on drugs, computer parts or a trip to Disneyland. I was going to say that I would have liked to use the money on whores and beer, but I didn't want Aind pestering me.
* Note: I have so far avoided having anyone wipe my ass.
2. I have poured at least 50 cans of soda onto my face, my chest and into my bed. I have little cuts on my nose from the tabs on the cans. In MS terms this is known as spasticity, a loss of motor control that, for me, seems to be worst when I am trying to move my hand to my mouth. Especially if I am holding a fork full of food, or a cup of hot coffee, or if I am trying to discretely pick my nose.
3. I had a nurse accidentally switch my MS steroids for an inhuman dosage of anticonvulsants (about twice the maximum recommended human dose.) There are people who told me I should sue the hospital, but it was an honest mistake, and I had a great time. I mean, I had a fucking great time, it felt like my whole body was having an orgasm. It's hard to claim pain and suffering when you're really enjoying yourself, I was so sensitive they had to turn my fan off. I begged her to do it again.
4. For the 4th of July my cousin brought me a sparkler, and when no one was around we lit it (in my hospital room.) And then ... well .. I spent the next week being treated like I was a child. Ok, so now I know that there is pure oxygen in use in these rooms, I didn't know that before, and all of the signs that said "NO SMOKING FIRE HAZARD PURE OXYGEN" were behind me, not in front of me, and they can't sue me because they gave me an elephantine dose of anticonvulsants long before I lit one innocent sparkler, so they owed me one.
I was so bored I started reading the newspaper.... I was so bored I started reading Louis L'Amour. I was so bored I started watching reality television. I was so drugged I stopped masturbating.
But I'm home now. Again. Someone tell Widespread I am looking for him. =|
P.S. Thursday was "Liver and Onions" day. I had to tell the nurse, "I don't give a fuck what the alternative is, I'll have the alternative, I'd rather have a plate full of dogshit."