I ran across this article while reading the news:

Justin Bieber Has Ramsey-Hunt Disease

My first thought was to make a CNN tribute page: "God Tells Justin Bieber, 'Stop Singing. Please. Just Stop. Don't Make Me Flood The Earth Again, I Promised I Wouldn't Do That, But I Might Make A Whale Swallow You'."

And then I thought, "If that happened, Justin Bieber would probably write a book about being swallowed by a whale ('Krill-Er: My Journey In The Belly Of A Whale')." And it would become a national bestseller, even though it was only read by fourteen-year-old girls. And The Biebs would have a book signing event where 12,000 underage girls showed up, and they'd all be dressed as whales and they would be carrying signs saying, "I'LL SWALLOW YOU JUSTIN!" And maybe some of the parents would catch on to the double entendre on those signs, and Bieber would be arrested for indecent proposition of a minor and sent to the Butt Haus, where the other prisoners cured his facial paralysis with extreme oral therapy.

But then I thought, "Maybe that isn't funny. I wouldn't have hesitated to write that in 1999, but maybe, here in 2022, maybe we've moved on from making fun of people for contracting life-threatening diseases. Even if having half your face paralyzed is not a life-threatening disease (not really), but maybe we shouldn't make fun of people for life-interrupting diseases, either." And I thought about that for a bit - how sad it would be if you couldn't sing after singing your whole life, and how equally sad it would be to not make fun of people anymore, even if they deserved it, and especially if you can't help thinking these weird thoughts. And then I though about monkeypox, and how if Justin Bieber contracted monkeypox all the monkeys could come over to his house and say, "Dude, that's nasty ..." And then they'd throw bananas at Hailey, but she's been exploring a plant-based diet, so maybe she'd like that shit.

-- Peotr (Sum Normalem)

P.S. And after five years of 'extreme oral therapy' Bieber discovers he's gay, and is paroled for 'good-boy behavior'. After being released from prison Bieber writes another book, one called, "Rocket-Man: My Journey To Discover Who's Inside Of Me". But this book doesn't sell nearly as well as 'Krill-Er', at least not until it's reprinted as a hard-bound photobook made for tasteful display on a coffee table.

P.P.S. And that brings up another thought - how is it possible that fourteen-year-old girls have enough disposable income to make Justin Bieber's whale-swallowing book a national bestseller, but I don't have enough money to order a pizza?

P.P.P.S. Oh, wait, nevermind, I just remembered - I do have enough money to order a pizza, but the nearest Dominos is 50 miles away. Because I live in the MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE.