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Thread: My Huge Cock

  1. #1

    My Huge Cock

    Stolen from The Onion:

    Ha, ha, very funny. Laugh it up, guys. I'm glad you find it so amusing.

    Well, I hate to spoil your good time, but I've got some news for you: This huge cock has gotten me out of some tough scrapes.

    This past June, I was rock-climbing in Utah with some college buddies when one of us, my good friend Alan, had a malfunction with his equipment. It's a little complicated to get into, but he was unable to get up or down, and the rope he was using was starting to fray. Wasting no time, I took out my penis and dropped it down to him so he could climb back up. Believe me, no one was laughing at the size of my piece when I pulled him to safety!

    Still not convinced? Maybe this anecdote will make you sing a different tune. I was at the art museum to check out a touring Van Gogh exhibit, and my belt had broken. Not wanting to alarm anyone, I made my way through the exhibit very slowly, holding my pants up with one hand. While pausing before one of Van Gogh's self-portraits, I saw a trio of armed bandits rush in. They told everyone to raise their hands as they took the paintings off the wall.

    After what seemed like an eternity, one of the thieves noticed that I was only raising one hand. He said he'd shoot me if I didn't get that other hand up, so I did. My pants dropped, causing my humongous hose to unspool right in front of everyone. The crooks were so shocked by the immensity of my schlong that they dropped their ill-gotten loot and fled! The museum director was so thrilled, he gave me a lifetime membership and a 20 percent discount at the gift shop.

    So you can see, my huge cock has really been a lifesaver—literally. But it's not just about saving lives. Oh, no. It has also helped me in my personal relationships. About four years ago, I went on a blind date. I was incredibly nervous, but when I got to the door, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that my date was extremely attractive. We got into my car and made some polite chitchat, but I was still so anxious that my mouth started getting dry. I pulled over to get some bottled water at a convenience store. On the way out of the car, my date accidentally dropped her house keys down the sewer. Uh-oh.

    Luckily, I had my penis with me! After finding a nice, wide spot in the grating, I threw my cock down to the keys, hooked the head through her keychain (thank God she had an oversized key loop), and pulled them up. After that, things were much more relaxed between us, and the night was a huge success. As it turned out, my cock was just the icebreaker I needed. Did I mention that woman is now my wife? Dean's huge penis to the rescue!

    Sometimes, my long dong actually seems to defy the laws of science. Like the time I got my kindly old neighbor Mrs. Linton's kitten out of a tree. I shook my penis erect and, lying on my back, created a ramp for the cat to climb down. Another time, I was able to use an erection to clear the leaves from my neighbor's clogged storm drain before an approaching downpour. Then there was the time I used my cock to hoist up the curtains at a rock concert, saving the show.

    So you see, my cock shouldn't be subjected to cruel barbs just because it's so big. It deserves respect. As do I for using it to help people rather than hurt them. But if it makes you feel better to make it the target of your juvenile taunts, be my guest. Giving immature, insecure jerks something to mock so they can feel better about themselves is yet another use for my mammoth appendage.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    oh come on, that article is hysterical!

    and this thread got massive views from my deceptive title!

  4. #4
    What the heck is The Onion anyways?

  5. #5
    The Onion is one of the best faux newsites on the web. They have had their fake articles picked up and considered real by the People's Republic of China's usual mouthpiece newspaper to hilarious consequences. I have a book of their fake articles and such, very amusing reading. Us Americans aren't the only ones with a good sense of humor...although Canada does hold the market on that for the most part. Comedians and bad rock stars...Bryan Adams and Celine Dion anyone, but you are forgiven due to Jim Carrey, Martin Short, Mike Myers, etc, etc.

    Nmok Soulblighter

  6. #6
    A satire news site, I guess you could call them. The majority of their stuff is comedic gold, but sometimes the occasional article goes way the hell over my head. I like their "What do you think?" ones lately, about Iraq etc. Some of the lines are outrageous. They put out an issue generally every week or so.

    www.theonion.com

  7. #7
    Registered User
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    lol homer

    The Onion is hilarious

  8. #8
    L-O-L-A Lola
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    Whatever you do, don't read the paper Onion. The ink/paper quality is so poor, I swear I had entire articles on my hands by the time I was finished with it.

  9. #9
    Hey, Canada has some pretty good rock bands too, though! Tea Party, Our Lady Peace, NickelBack etc

  10. #10
    Nickelback sucks ass live, their singer is terrible. They make up for it with a lot of pyro though, wow!

    But yea, Canadian music rocks, believe it or not . Just the The Hip last night, that was incredible. Although they only played one encore, which is out of character for them. Normally they play two or three. I guess they are playing three shows in a row though, so they don't wanna get all tuckered out. There are tons of great Canadian music though, it's just that lately everything is either Nickelback, or some band that Chad Kroeger produced and co-wrote parts of their album.

    Default - Nickelback II Chad can be in our videos sure!

    Rake - Nickelback III Back with more Angst

    Theory of a Deadman - Nickelback IV Look! Our singer even looks like Chad Kroeger!

    I had been considering getting a sub to the paper onion, just to support them for all the entertainment I get from them, but it's GD expensive, especially if you live outside the states.

  11. #11
    The Tea Party is the shit, go Canada!

    Nickelback is good for radio music, haven't seen em live but from all accounts they aren't the best live band, I still dig a bunch of their songs tho~

    Our Lady Peace.. uh, superman's dead was the only song that grabbed my attention, they are the Celine Dion of the canadian rock set =/
    Rezz

    Jesus on the dashboard
    Whenever it feels right

  12. #12
    Actually, I have renewed faith in OLP. Their latest album was actually quite good, and Spiritual Machines is a very very good CD (although I think that maybe they should ease off on attempting to be Radiohead!) But seriously, go find the video for In Repair, it is probably the best I have ever seen. It's very cool when under the influence, as well.

    OLP lost their original guitarist, and I think he also had a large part in the writing of their music, but the new album still turned out not bad. The biggest change I think was that Arnold Lanni, their old producer and co-writer was not involved this time around. It's good to know that they can still make halfway decent music, as the only original members are the drummer and singer now. A lot of people accused them of being more or less a front band for Arnold Lanni. Matthew Good (another Canadian rock guy, total arrogant asshole, but makes good music and always has something controversial coming out of his mouth) more or less said that they don't do anything w/o Lanni's approval, but that was prolly never true.

    Tea Party is the Led Zeppelin of our time. Hell, Jimmy Page said the same thing, even. He said that if Led Zeppelin were still together making music today, that Tea Party is what it would sound like. That's one helluva compliment. Also, they are godlike live. There is only three of them, so it's very interesting to see them pull off songs that normally have a dozen instruments in them, and they are all incredibly talented. Jeff Martin is an unbelieveable guitarist and singer, almost as good as Ian Thornley from Big Wreck (another semi-canadian band, Ian Thornley is from Toronto, rest are from Boston I think).

    Nickelback is okay, it's just the same old story of getting constantly hammered by their music. You just get sick of it. One radio station here had a large hand in making Nickelback what they are, they gave them radioplay and heavy promotion. So because of that, they are so proud that they feel it neccessary to play one Nickelback/Default/Rake/Theory Of A Deadman song every 15 fucking minutes.

  13. #13
    The two best live bands I've ever seen are Spirit of the West and The Tea Party. The tea party's bass player.. Jeff something... I forget his last name? anyways that guy will play his bass, while playing an electronic keyboard with his feet, and doing backup vocals, all at the same time. They're such a wicked band It's a shame they never really got noticed in the US.

  14. #14
    Guild Asshole Tarissa's Avatar
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    Do all canadian bass players sing and play keyboard at the same time?

  15. #15
    No, this one is really talented tho! However we do export incredible bass players with fucking annoying voices (Rush).

  16. #16
    Hah, I can't STAND Geddy lee's (spelling) voice. The guy sounds like mickey mouse but worse. I scramble to change the station any time I hear a rush song.

  17. #17
    Seriously though, if it wasn't for his GD voice, Rush would be such a wicked band. I have only bought their two most recent CD's, and Vapor Trails is one of the heaviest CD's I own at points. It's wicked music, bad vocals and lyrics (a lot of cheesey stuff).

  18. #18
    Guild Asshole Tarissa's Avatar
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    I like his voice :|

    New rush is sort of the suck though

  19. #19
    I have never really listend to older Rush, other than like Tom Sawyer and Limelight. I guess I should check em out. However I think that Vapor Trails rocks, Test for Echo was so-so however. What's a good album to pick up Tari? There is like 25 :/

  20. #20
    Grand Assmaster Buazag Bonesteel's Avatar
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    No clue what album they were on but Trees and Bastille day are my 2 favorite Rush tunes.

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