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Thread: Canadian Jokes

  1. #1

    Canadian Jokes

    for those unfamiliar with the tern "Newfie", it's in reference to canadians living in Newfoundland, whom the rest of the country is fond of picking on, for fun.

    CANADIAN JOKE # 1


    After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

    The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?" The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys weren't drinking beer, neither would I.


    CANADIAN JOKE #2

    An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie. He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?"

    "Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation.
    However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic.

    As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your
    brain."

    The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

    (This one almost made me cry)

    CANADIAN JOKE #3

    Did you hear about the war between Newfoundland and Nova Scotia? The Newfies were lobbing hand grenades; the Nova Scotians were pulling the pins and throwing them back.


    CANADIAN JOKE #4

    One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, a fly landed in each of their pints.

    The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.

    The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened.

    The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"


    CANADIAN JOKE #5

    An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

    Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

    "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

    That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

    "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

  2. #2
    #2 was funnee!

    Need more newfie jokes though :/ You were too kind in their description!

  3. #3
    Campfire Girl Jubilee Club Founder Lilcix's Avatar
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    Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur

    eh? Translate please!

  4. #4
    Hoss / EQ
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    Without translation, I'm guessing that removing 2/3 of his brain left him all French. =|

    Saz

  5. #5
    Campfire Girl Jubilee Club Founder Lilcix's Avatar
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    rofl

    My brother would love that one =/

  6. #6
    haha, #2 owned!
    Amb

  7. #7
    Goddess Vinilaa's Avatar
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    Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?

    Means:
    What did you just say, sir?
    Vinilaa ~the~ Soulbreaker

    I AM NOT A PALADIN AND I DO NOT LOVE YOU!


  8. #8
    L-O-L-A Lola
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    So, summing up what I've learned from these jokes:

    Canadians:Newfies::Americans:Canadians

  9. #9
    Pika Pika Zeldapika's Avatar
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    LOL

  10. #10
    Guild Asshole Tarissa's Avatar
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    I'm assuming Labatt's blue isn't piss water in Canada too? ;p

    That stuff is total water!

  11. #11

  12. #12
    Labatt Blue = pilsner beer = shite.

    That same formula can also be applied to Kokanee (although Kokanee Gold is the shit).

    Molson Canadian is actually relatively weak tasting, but it's good and smooth so people like it. Not to mention Molson has probably the best marketing on the planet. You cannot go to a sports game, or really any form of live entertainment without there being some sort of association with Molson's. It's enescapable.

    You want good Canadian beer? Try anything Big Rock (independent Brewery outta Calgary, doing very well for themselves which is good) and of course Moosehead.

  13. #13
    The guy everyone loves to hate Vidmer's Avatar
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    Better Canadian jokes and other assorted bashings:

    #1. Why did the Canadian cross the road? Because America was on the other side.

    #2. In PoP Canadian players are allowed to reach level 65, however they are only as powerful as a level 42 character played by an American.

    #3. Don Cherry's greatest hits video used to train Canada's servicepeople.

    #4. Canada is the lone country France has not surrendered to.

    #5. A Canadian man and woman are arguing in a bar about whether men or women are superior to the other. The man asserts that men are superior because they they can write their name in the snow with piss. The woman insists she can as well. The man can not believe this so challenges the woman to do so.

    They step outside the bar and the woman asks the man to turn away so she can have some privacy. When the man turns around the name Betty with crossed "t"s is spelled out in piss on the fresh snow. The man asks her how she did this and woman replies that it was all in the wrist. The man stands is shocked and asks her to explain.

    She responds "Well you have to angle the bottle of Bud so that it doesn't splash when you pour it onto the snow".

  14. #14
    Campfire Girl Jubilee Club Founder Lilcix's Avatar
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    Better Canadian jokes and other assorted bashings:

    Those all sucked except number 1. Even then I only chuckled. =(

    Sorry vid, back to the ol' pen and paper

  15. #15
    Originally posted by Vidmer
    #4. Canada is the lone country France has not surrendered to.
    Yeah well, look at #11, smartypants.

    SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?

    1. Smarties

    2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp

    3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down

    4. Baseball is Canadian

    5. Lacrosse is Canadian

    6. Hockey is Canadian

    7. Basketball is Canadian

    8. Apple pie is Canadian

    9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass

    10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin' Donuts ass

    11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back...past their 'White House'. Then we burned it...and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied...Go figure..

    12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.

    13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.

    14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.

    15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing... but showed up just in time to get caught.

    16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.

    17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth's surface and is still around as the worlds oldest company.

    18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.

    19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.

    20. We don't marry our kin-folk.

    21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios

    22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.

    23. A Canadian invented Superman.

    24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

    25. Oh yeah... and our elections only take one day.

  16. #16
    L-O-L-A Lola
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    16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
    Plaid isn't cool anymore.

    22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
    Yeah but we had to triple dog dare you to do it.

    23. A Canadian invented Superman.
    So it's "Up up and away, eh!", eh?
    Last edited by Lola; 12-12-2002 at 08:01 AM.

  17. #17
    "#4. Canada is the lone country France has not surrendered to."

    That's debatable, really. Canada was originally a french colony, and the french then lost the war with the english who then settled Canada. Or so I believe.

  18. #18
    Pfft, we have made the french surrender several times! At least the Canadian french. Hell back in the 70's we even put them under martial law and arrested hundreds of them for no good reason!

  19. #19
    Hell back in the 70's we even put them under martial law and arrested hundreds of them for no good reason!
    Hmm, I wouldn't call the FLQ no good reason. They did kill the politician they kidnapped and quite a few bomb exploded.

    That's debatable, really. Canada was originally a french colony, and the french then lost the war with the english who then settled Canada. Or so I believe.
    Pretty much, the fuck tard King of France back then didn't think North America was worth the effort so he decide to include the french colony in the peace treaty and be done with it. Funny thing, if I remember correctly, is that the French colony was actually winning the war on this side :P. After that, England had most of the upper half of North America. Don't quite remember where Spain and Portugal was back then.
    MKai Blowemup
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  20. #20
    Goddess Vinilaa's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Lola

    Yeah but we had to triple dog date you to do it.
    Don't you mean "dare" here?
    Vinilaa ~the~ Soulbreaker

    I AM NOT A PALADIN AND I DO NOT LOVE YOU!


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